Between fascination and transfiguration
Enemies to Lovers: When love becomes toxic: Romance is booming. Whether on TikTok, Instagram or in the bestseller lists - hardly any other subgenre is currently inspiring as many young readers as those stories in which bitter enemies become passionate lovers. "Enemies to lovers", "dark romance", "fae lords", "broken heroes with dark pasts" - the vocabulary of these fantasy worlds has long since found its way into the mainstream.
But what seems like fascinating escapism at first glance raises questions on closer inspection. Why do toxic dynamics, emotional coldness, raw violence and narcissistic dominance exert such an attraction? And what happens when young readers look for emotional orientation there of all places?
This article is not intended to moralize - but to differentiate. It is not about condemning romance fiction, but about understanding it. Because fiction shapes imagination - and imagination shapes reality. This is precisely why we should question what is being told here - and what it does to us.
What is dominance - and when does it become toxic?
Dominance does not equal violence. And yet many modern romance novels blur precisely these lines. What used to be seen as calm, protective strength - self-control, integrity, clear leadership without manipulation - is now often replaced by impulsive power games, verbal humiliation and emotional dependence. True dominance does not come from loudness or aggression, but from self-control, responsibility and character.
As early as 1995, psychologist Joseph Pleck described in his concept of gender role strain how modern men suffer from contradictory role models: On the one hand, they are supposed to be strong and leading - on the other, soft, passive and vulnerable. This inner conflict is also evident in literature - where supposedly dominant men often do not lead at all, but overcompensate.
In many romance novels, this manifests itself in the form of jealousy, possessiveness or fits of rage - as if this were an expression of masculinity. Readers subconsciously learn that dominance is okay as long as it turns into a longing "I love you" after the outburst.
🧠 Interim conclusion: The equation "He hurts me - but then he's affectionate" is not romantic. It is an introduction to toxic attachment patterns.
Psychological imprinting through narratives
What we read regularly changes what we consider normal. In psychology, this effect is known as priming: Repeated patterns in stories shape our expectations - not only of action, but also of relationships. The social psychologist Albert Bandura already showed in his model learning theory that people also learn through fiction - especially if they are emotionally involved.
Romance narratives repeat a central formula: The female protagonist hates the male counterpart - he is harsh, dismissive, perhaps even brutal. But in the course of the story, things take a turn for the better: he reveals his vulnerability, she "heals" him through love, and everything turns out well in the end. However, this dynamic is extremely dangerous. It suggests: "If I put up with his violence long enough, he'll love me all the more for it."
In psychological terms, this phenomenon is known as trauma bonding - a term coined by Patrick Carnes. It describes the emotional entanglement with a perpetrator because pain and affection constantly alternate, creating emotional chaos that is mistaken for love.
There is also the principle of re-enactment: people tend to relive familiar relationship patterns again and again - in the hope of getting them "right" this time. Romance novels that idealize this dynamic thus become an amplifier - especially for young readers who are looking for support and emotional orientation.
"When the enemy kisses you, violence becomes tenderness - and control becomes security."
This romanticized reinterpretation of assault and emotional instability is not just a fantasy - it works. And it leaves its mark, often more deeply than readers and authors suspect.
The systemic root: the longing for the lost warrior
In today's society, male role models have been increasingly delegitimized. Those who show strength are quickly labeled as authoritarian, toxic or backward. What used to be considered responsible masculinity - discipline, protection, decision-making ability - has often been deconstructed in recent decades without establishing a new functional ideal.
The sociologist Zygmunt Bauman described this development as part of the postmodern identity crisis: everything is fluid, malleable, relative - orientation and stability are lost. Young men in particular are growing up in a climate that challenges them to question themselves, but offers little in the way of a meaningful alternative.
This void creates an overcompensation - not in reality, but in fantasy. The "Fae King", the brutal, unapproachable lover, becomes the projection screen of a lost masculinity: strong, but unpredictable; powerful, but immature.
Masculinity is no longer cultivated - it is repressed. But the repressed always returns. Not as a mature, integrated force, but as distorted violence.
🧠 The opposite image:
The gentleman warrior in the garden stands for strength that rests within itself. For control through wisdom, not aggression. The gardener at war, on the other hand - narcissistic, unstable, overwhelmed - is a symbol of our time. He seems romantic because he suffers. But suffering is no substitute for dignity.
Romantasy has the choice of which image it conveys.
What does true independence mean?
Many heroines in current romance novels win in the end - at least on paper. But the way there often involves emotional self-sacrifice. They adapt, allow themselves to be humiliated, suffer through a spiral of closeness and rejection - and are "rewarded" with love in the end.
This dynamic is sold as self-empowerment. However, what is created here is not true independence - but an illusion. Dependence is not critically reflected upon, but aestheticized. As long as it is attractively staged, it looks like a voluntary sacrifice.
From a systemic point of view, however, every relationship is a form of dependency - and that's okay. The only crucial question is: do I consciously choose this bond? Or do I allow it to be forced upon me - through emotional blackmail, social narratives or romanticized violence?
Romantasy all too often undermines this clarity. The message is subtle but dangerous: "I lose myself in order to be loved." And this is not presented as a warning - but as a triumph.
True strength does not lie in total autonomy, but in the ability to choose healthy attachment. Without betraying oneself.
Literary responsibility: Who tells, shapes
Fiction is not an empty space. What we tell - and how we tell it - shapes mindsets, values and relationship patterns. Especially in adolescence, when identity is still being formed. The Transportation Theory (Green & Brock, 2000) proves this: Anyone who is emotionally immersed in a story unconsciously adopts beliefs and patterns that are conveyed there.
Romance authors do not write moral textbooks. Nor should they. But they create worlds - and cultural codes are at work in these worlds. Anyone who repeatedly reads that love has to be fought for through suffering will at some point ask themselves whether this also applies to them.
In literary education, this is not referred to as censorship, but as value formation. It's not about what is allowed - but what is wanted. What do we promote? What do we legitimize? What are we planting in young minds?
The market alone should not answer these questions. Sales figures are not proof of ethical quality - but often of emotional neediness.
📌 Reflection question:
"Would you want your own child to live this relationship - or just read it?"
Writing stories is a responsibility. Not to dictate - but to open up horizons. Romantasy can do this - if it is aware of its power.
Between narcissism and responsibility - why romance is not neutral
Many stories in today's romance fantasy glorify a central dynamic: the emotionally unstable, often narcissistic "love interest" does not become a better person through his own insight - but through the suffering, loving heroine. His darkness is romanticized, his controlling behaviour is glorified as "depth", his immaturity is rewarded with affection.
But psychologically it is clear: what is rewarded is not questioned. Those who receive love for anger, withdrawal or manipulation do not change - they are confirmed in this. However, healing does not begin with applause, but with confrontation and frustration. Boundaries, not rewards, create development. And that is exactly what is missing in many of these stories.
I expressly say: everyone should create what they want. Everyone is allowed to read what touches them. But every decision has consequences - whether we see them or not.
That is one of the guiding principles of my life:
"Personal responsibility means: always be aware of your actions - and their impact."
We live in an age that loudly demands rights but quietly ignores obligations. But rights without duties are not freedom - they are arbitrariness. And arbitrariness destroys every form of society - including the inner one.
Romance has the potential to promote emotional maturity. But it also carries responsibility. Because what we tell doesn't just shape fantasies. It shapes people.
Conclusion: Romance can heal - or wound
Romance fantasy is more than escapism. It can comfort, inspire, awaken longing - and it can make you grow. Its greatest strength lies in the emotional depth it creates. But that is precisely why it must not lose itself in illusions. Development begins where truthfulness comes to the table - even if it is uncomfortable.
The gentleman is not an enemy of emancipation. On the contrary: he is its natural ally. Because true strength does not oppress - it gives space. Love, on the other hand, is not a trade. Those who only receive affection when they suffer will never experience sincere attachment - but emotional dependence.
Authors shape world views. Not by preaching, but by shaping. Responsibility in literature does not mean spreading ideology - but creating depth. Characters that grow. Stories that heal. And worlds that encourage us to look for something better in the real world.
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